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Rating:
PG-13 Language
Disclaimer: The
Magnificent Seven is owned by Trilogy, Mirish, MGM, and some others
I'm not sure of. I'm not making any money.
Author's
Notes: This
story is just silliness, please don't take any of it seriously.
Thanks to Judy and Marla for betaing it. Feedback is greatly
appreciated, please let me know what you think.
Seven
men, all with the same destiny - undoubtedly to receive terrible
wounds or die horrible deaths at the hands of fanfic writers - stood
on the boardwalk in front of the saloon.
They
formed a huddle, speaking quietly amongst themselves and looking
around worriedly every once in a while.
"Did
the telegram say when this man'd be here?" Josiah looked over
at Chris.
"No,
just that he was on his way and that he was looking to take me down."
"So
what's *this* guy's beef with ya?" Buck twirled the end of his
black mustache in his fingers.
"Did
you poke his eye out too, Chris?" JD looked up wide-eyed at his
gun-toting, whiskey-swilling, morality-spouting - 'you don't shoot no
one in the back...you shoot 'em in the knee and then when you get in
front of 'em...then ya shoot 'em' - hero.
Larabee
slowly looked sideways at JD. "For the last time, JD, I didn't
*poke* Top Hat Bob's eye out." He rolled his eyes and looked
towards the sky.
JD
put his hands up, palms out. "Ok...ok. Sorry! I just wondered
if ya poked his eye out is all - didn't mean to make you waste one of
yer 'glares' on me." He threw his hands down and with his best
'puppy that just got run over by a stage coach look' walked towards
the jail.
"What's
his problem?" Vin furrowed his brow as he watched JD walk away.
Buck
glanced at JD's retreating back, then looked at his comrades. He
shook his head and sighed. "Prairie Farms stopped furnishing the
saloon and hotel with milk."
"No!"
Josiah hissed out.
Nathan
sat down hard. "Those Bastards!"
Ezra
lowered his head, the shadow from the brim of his hat covering his
eyes. "It's a sad day indeed."
Larabee
stood, mouth open, staring at his men.
He
glanced towards Vin. The tracker was leaning against one of the
posts. His feet were at least five feet away from the bottom of the
post, but somehow he managed to have his shoulders resting on the
wooden pole. He seemed to almost float sideways in the air, and look
damn comfortable to boot. 'How in the HELL does he do that?' Chris
shook his head and glanced towards the Clarion.
Mary
was in front, standing on the boardwalk, engaged in conversation
with an unknown cowboy. Suddenly she bent towards him, wrapped her
arms around his waist, tilted her head to the side and kissed him!
And kissed him...And kissed him.
The
seven... (er...wait...JD's in the jail, isn't he) The six lawmen
watched, mesmerized. Slowly, five of them started backing away from
their leader.
Chris
actually turned red. Steam didn't just come out of his ears, it came
out of his nose, his mouth, his...well, anyway...there was steam! He
glared at the unknown cowboy who was kissing *his* Mary. He glared at
him with that icy blue, green, hazel stare. Glared. (Did I mention he
was glaring?)
Neither
Mary nor her amorous cowboy noticed him.
He
kept glaring. Finally he couldn't take it any more. "HEY!"
he yelled towards the two.
The
cowboy stopped kissing Mary long enough to glance his way. Their
eyes met and the cowboy's eyes widened when he saw the look in the
black clothed gunslinger's eyes.
Suddenly,
without warning, out of the blue the cowboy - EXPLODED!
Blood
and body parts flew everywhere, covering Mary and most of the
boardwalk in front of the Clarion.
Chris's
mouth dropped open. He glanced around, trying to see if anyone had
noticed anything. Looking innocent, he faced his six (JD was back)
friends. "What?"
They
stood, gaping openmouthed at him.
"Um...er.,"
Chris stammered, "I had my glare turned up too high."
"Uh...yeeahh."
Buck said slowly.
"Okaaayyy."
Vin turned his head, but kept his eyes on his best friend.
"I
am *not* cleaning that up." JD was still looking at the mess
across the street.
Ezra
started shaking. The lawmen turned towards him, concern etched on
their faces.
Nathan
was suddenly next to him. "Ezra? You ok? Talk to me."
Standish
stared at Larabee terrifiedly... terrifieingly... terrifiededly...
(Ugh! Help me out here, Judy!) Standish had a terrified expression on
his face as he stared at Larabee. (Whew! Thanks.)
"I...I...he...he
glares at me. Constantly glares at me. I...he could have blown me up
at any time." Ezra knew he was babbling and not making any
sense, but he was in shock and the moment called for him to lose his
two hundred and thirty million-dollar words. "All this time I've
been playing with fire, bucking the odds, messing with dyna-"
"Ezra."
Vin raised his eyebrows at the southerner. "You're a gambler.
That's - what - you - do."
"It
is?" Ezra visibly shuddered. "Good Lord, I need a new
job." He turned and ran for the laundry.
Chris
shook his head as he looked the six... (no, wait...JD's back, but
Ezra's over at the laundry begging for a safe job ironing
clothes...ok, start over...)
Chris
shook his head as he looked the five men in the eye. (Too much math
in Mag7fic writing. There's five. No, one's gone so there's four, but
one came back and then two went on patrol so there's...aggggghhhhhhh!).
Chris
tried his best Bogey impression. "Of all the men...in all the
cowtowns...in all the West...I had to get the lot of you." He
shook his head and turned to walk away only to come face to face with
an extremely upset, blood and stuff covered Mary. She stood with her
hands on her hips; they'd slide off every so often, so she'd have to
put them back up there.
"Mr.
Larabee, may I have a word with you?"
Chris
sighed. "Yes, Mary." He started walking with her but
turned one last time to narrow his eyes at the laughing lawmen.
"Ouch."
Vin grinned. "That's gotta hurt."
The
(counting on fingers) five lawmen laughed even harder, then turned
in the direction of the laundry when they heard a decidedly southern yell.
"DAMMIT!
I burned my hand! SAFE? My foot!!"
May
2000
End
note: No cowboy was actually harmed in the writing of this fanfic.
He is now living out the remainder of his years comfortably in my
house. (Well, he was just too darn cute to put out to pasture.
<g> Even if he IS a cowboy.)
Please
let me know what you think. I'd love to know. Ruby :)
Ruby1481_7@yahoo.com |
